It doesn't help when this overcast weather chock full of rain predictions makes high noon look just as bleak as the middle of the night. Or rather the corresponding projection to the inside of my head; a myriad of thoughts awaken as I wearily toss and turn. No matter the extent of my exhaustion, I am roused by a strange burden for people.
Confused, concerned, and simply wondering, I relive past conversations, and envision future connections. I'm always terrified of losing touch, especially from irrelevant (or nothing) circumstances. But I can never maintain focus and thus am never able to bring closure, so every night I am revisited by the inevitable.
I had the most intense gig I ever had to do last night. I was asked to play with two others a 3-part flute selection at a memorial service. All went well, but we were at the end of the program, which means everyone's emotions have been building up for the last 3 hours with the saddest things anyone can stand to deal with.
It was a little disturbing when the mother of the recently passed 29-year-old told me beforehand that her daughter will be on the stage with us, making music together. I'm not very consoling, despite my strange desire to help people.
But I did get to see my former flute teacher (smokes like a chimney but can certainly make an instrument sing) who told me he is glad to still see me with flute in hand. Now I have a rekindled inspiration to keep playing, and be as good as I used to be, or better. I want to get my hands on new, more challenging music and give myself something to work for. But we'll see how long my stimulation lasts.
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