“Like the autumn trees that shed its orange and yellow leaves”

I dial the number one last time, determined to make it official. I knew this would be the beginning of my inevitable breakdown, but I had to make sure in the only way I could. It was now or never, and after a year, I couldn’t let myself wonder about it anymore.

It rings once, heart quickens pace… twice, hands tremble… someone picks up – “Hello.” sings a young girl’s voice.

My heart shatters, everything goes black. The floor opens up and swallows me whole.

“Helloooo?”

Smudged tears of gray streaming down my cheeks, I lay down the phone, never speaking a word. I silently listen as the confused girl utters a few more annoyed “hellos” until she finally hangs up.

And I thought it was hard when the number was disconnected before. Now it is in use by someone else. I can only think of our final conversation 6 months ago, when we decided to stay in touch; the last thing I heard him say was “I’ll call you back.” There was no goodbye, no end…

The “hard” has become impossible.

I begin to wonder if I will ever get over something as intense as this, if I will ever be able to move on. Like the autumn trees that shed its orange and yellow leaves, my world will continue to fall apart, piece by piece, until nothing is left. Just me and vast nothingness.