"We gave out pieces of Candy on Halloween. Candy was... a dancer."

Spontaneity trumps logic. I'm officially Pennsylvania-bound in less than 12 hours. My mother called to give me the option of leaving this weekend instead of waiting another endless week, so I jumped on that train and got the early flight outta here.

I see going home as a sort of check point, to refuel, to reconnect with my self, to regain what I feel like I've lost. And all with the knowledge that it will be temporary. I have to take a step backward before I can move forward, especially after what I've been through these last 3 months.

I felt like such a dousche calling my boss to inform her of my sudden departure, but she couldn't have been more understanding. And she has been very helpful and supportive while I was here knowing my situation. She hugged me about four times when I came in for my final shift, and then to say goodbye.

I just started training another girl too. She's a very strange woman, almost to the point that she would make a good Halloween costume, and always says things like "Sweet Jesus" and "Good grief". But she's soo fun to train; I drew her a diagram today to visualize the difference between a cappuccino and a latte.

Closing for the last time (I am sick washing the same dishes and smelling like bleach every night), I started to feel overwhelmingly sad, like a hippopotamus was sitting on my chest. I turned off the lights, locked the door behind me, stepped out on the street and the feeling drifted away with the wind. I knew I wouldn't come back if they paid me... or paid me more.

I will miss my co-worker Melissa's bounty hunter instincts with flies, flirting with some of the regulars who never seem to realize I have work to do, and obviously the free coffee. But I'm not going to leave empty handed. I've learned all I ever wanted to know about coffee, met good people, and now have many interesting memories to cherish... or contemplate.

"Careening into outer space on a solo mission."

It officially grew cold here and we even had snow! I could still see it on top of the mountains when I woke up this morning. The heat is turned on, the fireplace is lit, and the whole house smells like a campfire. After surviving a winter with no heat last year, I will never take heat for granted again. Oh glorious heating unit who keeps me warm...

And from what everyone else seems to have discussed without my formal knowledge, I'm out of this place for good on November 8th. That's great, but I still have not decided what to do. My boss is willing to help me find a place to rent in the area if I wanted to stay and work, which I think would be a good idea so I can still make money. Yet I'm wondering if I should just get out while I have the chance.

I've also been thinking that even if I moved somewhere else, I would still have to go back to my parents house to get my truck and everything else I own. So I think I've come to the conclusion that I will be back in Pennsylvania Nov. 8, but how long I'll be there and whether I'll come back to work is yet to be determined.

I did get a call back yesterday for a writing position at a marketing company I applied for. It was sort of an over-the-phone interview where they asked me a few questions to confirm the information on my application and then said I've reached the next level of the application process. Maybe this will solve my current/future situation. I'm hopeful... *crosses fingers*

"In the city with the pumpkin spice juicy juice."

I took a spontaneous road trip to Asheville, North Carolina. My friend-who-shall-remain-nameless recently moved there so we hung out at his apartment, went to a block party/festival/fair type thing where all the hippies in the area came together to listen to a techno band play some funky rave music in the tent-lined street, drove downtown to tour the cultural city life.

I love road trips, cities, spontaneity... and thus decided to take advantage of the opportunity. I used to do these things all the time no questions asked. I haven't had any real fun in nearly 3 months, so it was a much needed and perhaps a much deserved trip for me.

It was a last minute decision, so after I came home from work Friday night, I threw some necessities into my torn book bag with the Metallica patch and told my uncle I was going to Asheville for the weekend and walked out the door. [For me this is normal behavior, just ask my college roommates] I excitedly drove away into the rainy night, trying to find the switch to turn on the cab lights so I could read my chicken-scratched directions.

I've always been this way, at least subconsciously. I'm just finding out now, the hard way, how changed I've become... through experience; it's almost like the real me is finally revealing herself after years of certain suppression.

Now that I have the freedom to move on in my own direction, now I am able to fulfill what has already been lurking in the corners of my mind for years, despite my afterthoughts, and it's only leaving me confused. I have to look at myself through these new experiences in that all-maddening attempt in finding oneself.

Asheville is still a cool and very beautiful city. And I'm glad I had the chance to visit it. And after many a phone conversation, it was about time I actually saw the person I have been speaking to and grew to know.

It was a beautiful drive back too; a perfectly clear, blue, sunny day with all the leaves changing colors on the huge surrounding mountains. Amazing. I wanted to stop at all the "scenic overlook" signs I passed, but when I'm cruising along with the windows down and the radio blaring, I didn't want to stop and look at what I could already see.

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore?"

Well, it's official. My aunt wants me out. I'm just trying to figure out when I suddenly became a homeless bum.

She wanted to talk to me a few days ago and basically I am no longer needed, which means I am no longer wanted; in other words "Get out!" No, she didn't say it like that, but I can read between the lines pretty well. She kept talking about giving my boss 3 weeks notice and to make plans between her and my parents on their days off to swap me from one vehicle into the next like a sack of dirty laundry and dump me off in Pennsylvania.

Why, why, why the hell would I quit the only job I have managed to get since I graduated, move back to the one place I have dreamed of leaving since my sophomore year of high school? Somebody please explain the logic behind this.

Of course I want to get out of this house, this town, and that damn coffee shop, but if I'm going to end up jobless and homeless, um... regardless, then I'm gonna go wherever I want.

I could seriously end up anywhere at this point. It' s giving me this awkward adrenaline rush: I want to sprint 20 miles and throw up at the same time.

I have yet to discuss this issue with my boss, but hopefully she'll find me a place to crash so I can unburden my relatives of my presence and still make much-needed money. The argument is that I'm not making enough (another point lacking rational thought), but at least I'm making something right?

"Is there anything you need from Ohio?"

My aunt calls me the other day and [seriously] asks me this question. I tilted the phone away from my mouth and laughed hysterically.

My relatives should be back at some point this weekend. Last I heard, my uncle received some good news at his last appointment so I think they're gonna do the "wait and see what happens" thing before pursuing any treatment options - which means they probably won't need me anymore.

I'm gonna have to wait and see what happens too, once they get back. I don't know if my aunt will allow me a couple days to figure everything out, or if I gotta haul my ass on outta here. I already feel strange being here in the first place, but to be here for no reason at all anymore won't do me any good. That's why I've been so worried about this finding a job thing because then I'd have a logical reason to leave as well as having somewhere to go.

I've applied to so many jobs I don't even remember half of them. I've been searching every day, and applying to at least one job every day. I think I applied to one last night that I already sent my resume to before. Oh well. I'm kinda anxious to see which city/state I'll end up living in, which will depend on which employer decides to call me back first. It's so exciting I think I just might have a nervous breakdown.

Speaking of... this dog has been driving me crazy too. She won't let me sleep in the morning; after she wakes me up the first time (about 6:30 am) she's staggering back into my room every 5 minutes whining and panting until I finally roll out of my warm comfortable bed at 9. THEN she follows me around ALL DAY, so closely in fact that when I stop walking her face rams into my ankles.

The one day, two birds found their way through the door I left standing open to allow Snoopy to fulfill her annoying habit of going in and out 6,000 times. And of course they couldn't find their way back out, so it was interesting trying to herd them away from the windows and back through the door. After a long but successful herding-of-unherdable-birds, I looked over at the oblivious dog and said, "Between you and me, this never happened." She just yawned and fell back to sleep.

I'm such a terrible house sitter.

"...remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it."

Nothing says fall like warm-mystic-caramel-cinnamon-apple-cider. As the in-house artist, I convinced my boss to shorten the name of our seasonal beverage to "Mystic Apple Cider"... besides, it wouldn't fit on the sign.

My customers got me excited about fall yesterday. We were very busy, but something about the Halloween-esque moon pie lollipops, taste-testing our makeshift cider concoction, and the bittersweet aroma of a freshly brewed pot of pumpkin spice coffee filled me with life.

My attitude and everything shifted, a drastic change from mere hours prior. With my co-worker laughing at my inability to be artistic with dry erase markers, I found my face contorting into what I believe was a smile. I was honestly afraid I would never feel that way again after what happened this week; I was in shock, nauseated, scared.

I suppose I needed to allow myself time to adjust to the knowledge that this is life, it's real, and realize we are human. I cannot allow myself to wallow in my misery or I'll miss the changing colors of the leaves and everything for that matter. Everything that makes life worth living. I'll make "beauty out of sorrow" dammit.

Today I'm going to take my charcoal pencils and sketchbook outside and find that pathway that is closed off by a gate with "No Trespassing" signs posted around it (which sounds like an open invitation for me to explore it). I'm ready to move on and enjoy life, experience today, live now.

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."

I am smitten with regret and fear. Such overwhelming emotions that are regurgitated by my vivid memory, yet a memory full of images that appear more relevant to the false-realities of a dream. But I am wide awake and unable to face the reality of my newly corrupted nature.

The past few days I've been wandering blindly behind a veil of constant tears, trying to regain my dignity. I feel detached, alienated, and more alone than I could have ever imagined possible.

I have rediscovered a familiar childhood desire to run away, brushing the dust off of those junior high plans to escape. To escape all that is familiar and begin again. I no longer want to leave based merely on personal hatred for a stupid, nothing town: I need to leave.

"We do not write because we want to; we write because we have to."

It is another beautiful day, although I say that every day because it never rains here. But today feels different; it feels new. After another long, sleepless night, I managed to get out of bed with a refreshing attitude that from today on things will change. Things will be different. Things will be new.

I'm not sure what that is supposed to mean in the long run, considering everything has changed since I drove down here two months ago. I am still here, while my relatives are currently heading to Pennsylvania for the next two weeks for vacation. And yes that is weird.

I still have my future to consider when I'm not going to be here anymore, which will hopefully be very very soon. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, trying to stay optimistic, because I know it will all work itself out... I mean I've made it this far right? Why give up now?

Some of my friends have recently presented some viable options for me, so I at least have a focal point as far as the job hunt goes. But the job will determine the decision of where I'll move to, and possibly who I will live with. It's good to know that all is not hopeless and lost; it brings me back to the same "light at the end of the tunnel" cliche... I can see the light emerging, but I just don't know where it will lead me once I make it through the darkness.