"let idiots reel giddy in bedlam spring."

The daffodils are blooming at the edge of the woods. I woke up early with spring shining through the seams of my window blinds. I threw my unkempt hair into a ponytail, pulled on my black sneakers, and took off running up the driveway, which is, by the way, a quarter mile long and uphill. I shall feel the shinsplints soon.

I have been watching a lot of movies on TV back-to-back, taking full advantage of the free 90-days of Starz and HBO channels. Thanks to my dad's power of persuasion, and being totally pissed with how much he has to pay per month, our network gave us a free upgrade among other things.

It's not like I'm spending hours in front of the tube now, I still take the time to do more productive things like exercise, sketch, read another book or two... just making the most of my unemployment. Speaking of which, if one more person inquires about my job related endeavors, I may not be able to control my sudden yearning to sucker punch them in the gut. I'm running out of responses for their bonehead advice anyway... What a super idea, since you know, I've only been doing this for over a year!!!

I just got a call 2 seconds ago from the last place I interviewed and alas, it's another rejection. Frick. And to continue this self-destructive mood, I just found out about this yesterday. The debate of the possible "gene" is resurfacing, a subject I've already encountered in my Literature Seminar when one of my classmates wrote about Anne Sexton.

Anyway, I saw this commercial the other day and got excited. On through the mist and the madness...

"There is nothing I hate more than nothing."

Disconnected exhaustion. Patience excruciating. A wasted day spent pacing these four corners. A single tear dripped from the bottom of my cheek a moment ago.

Deadlock. I hate it when I feel like this. That feeling of what the hell am I supposed to do now? Except my priority lies in others, not myself:

I had an interview for a new writing position for publications and websites - the first real interview I've had in the last several months. By this I mean it lasted more than 5 minutes, and they asked me substantial questions that everyone always warns you about and to prepare for. My family already has my life planned out as though I've already landed the job.

But I know better than that... I've stopped making plans, and just started doing. Strictly a go-with-the-flow and see what happens kind of attitude. I hardly care about what happens to me; I keep others in such close consideration, I seem to care more about them than I do for myself.

I closed my savings account. I have nothing left to save. But this bitch of a job search is the least of my concern. I find myself giving seniority to more important things in life than a steady paycheck.


With a sketchbook full of projects, I have finally dug out my art supplies and started working on them. My ideas are to use them, instead of simply making them for myself or to practice my skill, and I have all the confidence in the world that I will someday. Someday very soon.

"I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think any conscious entity could ever hope to do."

With the warm sun descending in the west, I took my book outside and sat on the concrete porch. Legs stretched out in front, I propped myself up against the wooden post as I delightfully turned the pages. Although concrete and wood quickly becomes uncomfortable after a couple hours, it was perfect... hearing nothing but the slightest breeze, rustling branches, or a curious cat sneaking around from behind.

I cleared my mind of my potential future plans and possibilities and concentrated on the moment; it was simply me, a book, and the only world I could see - the backyard.

The interview I had for the writing position is basically mine if I want it, and they are always looking for writers, which means I don't have to start right away. This gives me ample time to figure everything else out as I would still need to find another job to cover all expenses and a place to live.

I will already have a roommate, but I'll have to wait until the summer when the lease she has now runs out. It seems to be working out anyway as I recently received the opportunity for a temporary job with the Census Bureau, which should take me into the summer. I have an employment test for that next week.

All decisions now depend on this possible temp. job, so I stopped thinking about it and went outside. What a beautiful day.