Take a hike

I woke early to a thick morning fog, threw on some torn jeans, layers of thin flannel patterned shirts, my trucker hat with the camouflage rabbits, and tossing my canvas Jeep bag over my shoulder, already packed with my own trail mix and shiny red thermos, I set out for an adventure.
Still unfamiliar with much of the area, it took awhile to find the nearly hidden back road that stretches up a steep hill to a small gravel parking lot. Mount Nittany.
I’ve been warned about these hiking trails; with several steep inclines, I was often climbing the rocky pathways at an 80 degree angle. Around the top of the mountain, the trails smoothed out, speckled with sun spots glimmering between the bending creaking trunks of soon-to-be-leafless trees, reminding me of the trails I ran in the south by the lake one year ago. Toad from Mario Bros?

I was distracted by the bursts of reds and yellows from the few leaves already changed among the still vast greens. I’ve started a project, a series of branches and leaves with pen & ink, which I now see as rather bland and 2-dimensional compared to nature itself.
I took the “road less traveled”, changing trails for the longer, farther, riskier one. It was clear not many visitors hiked this way, for the plants and bushes created a narrow corridor reaching out with their long branches as though to grab your ankles and arms and pull you apart.
I thought of the Lost Boys from Sudan who walked for weeks across their country in Africa (and not on carefully marked trails) as I’m currently reading “What is the What” told by a survivor through Dave Eggers’ clever words, describing his boyhood lost through a war unresolved.
The path seemed to change, as though I’ve crossed onto another mountain range, far from civilization. But it eventually wrapped around the mountain as I found myself slowly climbing down the familiar rock covered cliff. I hiked over 3 hours, probably covering close to 10 miles.
But the day was perfect and exactly what I needed after these recent weeks. I want to come back later next month, in the heart of fall, when the trees are all different colors, the cool air spiced by fallen leaves crunching underfoot, the scenic views clearer, better.

"Growing darkness taking dawn

I was me but now he's gone."

“Like the autumn trees that shed its orange and yellow leaves”

I dial the number one last time, determined to make it official. I knew this would be the beginning of my inevitable breakdown, but I had to make sure in the only way I could. It was now or never, and after a year, I couldn’t let myself wonder about it anymore.

It rings once, heart quickens pace… twice, hands tremble… someone picks up – “Hello.” sings a young girl’s voice.

My heart shatters, everything goes black. The floor opens up and swallows me whole.

“Helloooo?”

Smudged tears of gray streaming down my cheeks, I lay down the phone, never speaking a word. I silently listen as the confused girl utters a few more annoyed “hellos” until she finally hangs up.

And I thought it was hard when the number was disconnected before. Now it is in use by someone else. I can only think of our final conversation 6 months ago, when we decided to stay in touch; the last thing I heard him say was “I’ll call you back.” There was no goodbye, no end…

The “hard” has become impossible.

I begin to wonder if I will ever get over something as intense as this, if I will ever be able to move on. Like the autumn trees that shed its orange and yellow leaves, my world will continue to fall apart, piece by piece, until nothing is left. Just me and vast nothingness.